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04 March 2010 @ 07:50 pm
i've been binging again. fuck my life. back up to 150. i was so looking forward to getting below 140.

won't this ever go away
18 May 2009 @ 02:07 pm
I start tongiht in the ER, 7pm to 7am tomorrow. ONG I'm so anxious. Like so anxious I am nauseated.

I tried staying up all night last night, but fell asleep last night around 3 and then woke up around 11 AM this morning, which sucks because tonight on this shift i'm going to be so tired. I really hope i'll just be shadowing. Like I fucking hope so because Im going to be a) super nervous that I don't even know if my brain will be able to carry out a skill which sounds ridiculous but it's true and b) I'm going to be tired becase I haven't done a night shift in ages.

I think I'm just so nervous for tonight, but still so excited because I'm finally starting!! yay!!
15 May 2009 @ 10:35 am
Oh weigh in day. What shall it bring?

weightbot started a new challenge. She posted it yesterday for weigh ins to be due that day (which really doesn't give much time lol - I was out all day) so I hope i'm included in the challenge as I see tons of people posting today. Weigh ins are always on Thursday. So now I'm part of three weight loss challenges, and one I'm running myself with sevilla. Seems busy, but I love weight loss challenges. I used to be that person who'd duck out a little ways in (but inform challenge leader and tell them I'm dropping out because I wasn't recovered from binge eating and challenges would actually make it worse) and I also used to be that person whose weight just maintained all the way though or only lost like 2 lbs (again because I wasn't recovering). I always felt like crap by the end of the challenge if I stayed in. Well, I'm on the road to recovery, binges are lowering in frequency, and I'm losing weight. Anxiety is high right now for personal reasons I don't feel like sharing. I've cried already too much this week and right now I just need to push it out of my mind.

Anyway, I'm now 150 lbs. This is the part I always screw up on. I reach 150 and either plateau (by eating/snacking at calorie maintenance level) for a few weeks or go into complete binge mode for days to weeks at a time until i'm back around 155 lbs. And then during the summer, hover between 150-155 lbs.

No, not this time. I refuse. I will make it to my goal weight where I have been before. This week, I will eat well and healthy. On Monday, I will back a big supper full of healthy items (I'm working 12 hour night shift for my first orientation). However, if I'm not hungry, I won't force myself to eat all those items... that's something very important to me.

Growing up, my mother never, ever made us "eat everything on your plate". She hated that rule. She always would say to me as a child, eat until your full. Never pressured me, never put me down, always told me how beautiful and smart I am. She's the most amazing mother ever.

However, she did let me eat whatever I wanted. And I did. I ate everything I could to fill that hole inside. There was a lot going on in our lives back then and her raising my brother who's severely mentally ill and then myself was challenging on the very low income she made. She's amazing with money and would budget hardcore. We never needed assistance in anyway (though I would never look down on anyone who did - that's what it's there for). And I would sneak food. And back then, I didn't know that it was masking my anxiety. I don't blame her for not noticing either. I mean, we had "treat day" every Friday. She didn't know that my friend and I went to the store every Thursday and bought a big bag of chips with babysitting money. I ate 3/4 of the chips, perhaps more. I'm still best friends with her to this day and she knows my struggles with food. She didn't always know that I'd tell my brother to grab 6 cookies to "share" and I'd only give him maybe 1 or 2 and I'd take 4 or 5 (this is when we were really, really young... like I would have been 9-10).

Anxiety runs in my family and unfortunately, I deal with it as well. It's been a really hard week for me, so only binging once and then kind of eating shitty two other days (which weren't even that bad, not over 2000 calories either of those days - but remember, not exercising so not really a calorie deficit) is something I'm proud of.

I am proud of my progress in recovery from binge eating. I am proud that I'm dealing with my anxiety again, finally.

Anyway, if you got this far into my ramblings, wow. haha. Hope everyone is well <3

I have some errands to run today. :)
Current Mood: accomplished